I Need More Time

 The "List"

Every day when I woke up, I would already feel late for something, like I was running behind schedule.  There was this list of things that I felt "must be done" already running through my mind or the unchecked boxes from my planner staring at me - and the list was always long.  The clock feels like it is running down immediately and every minute is another loss if not used wisely.

The Peril of Productivity

When I am at my best and feeling "productive"... I feel motivated, inspired, and energetic.  I feel productive when I can eliminate things off of that "list" that is always there (and almost taunting me).   Who is keeping score honestly?  Who will know if I meant to do something today, tomorrow, or next week?

Productivity has been one of my demons to fight in balance with what my body or mind needs.  I feel that if I am not productive, then I am not dependable, conscientious, or reliable.  One dance that I experienced most frequently with this flawed belief is when I have been exhausted and desperately in need of a nap during my breast cancer journey.  My body needs this nap to heal.  My mind tells me that I shouldn't need it (or it won't make that much of a difference), that there is too much to do, and that I should be "responsible".

Challenging the Lie

Evaluating what is "productive" for me during this journey is a work in progress.  My priority is to heal.  To be healthy, strong, and focused on enjoying my precious life.  Productivity means achieving a desired result.  Therefore weighing the never-ending task list against taking the nap - I know which one serves my healing today.  I am learning to ask for (and accept) help with "the list".  I am also learning to let some things go that are on said list.  I don't have to do it all myself,  don't even have to do it all.   I am being dependable, conscientious, and reliable to my healing and to myself first.  I need more time for living this life to its fullest.  Achieving that is my focus now.

To the extent you can relate to this, I invite you to notice how you navigate your days - are you racing? Are you struggling to prioritize your health over your to-do's?  Remember, you and your healing are worth your time and energy!

I continue to 'practice' a more positive relationship with time. Being present in more of my moments, giving my body what it needs, and showing up for ME and my healing!

 Hand on heart!