I Need More TimeSep 07, 2022
Every day when I woke up, I would already feel late for something, like I was running behind schedule. There was this list of things that I felt "must be done" already running through my mind or the unchecked boxes from my planner staring at me - and the list was always long. The clock feels like it is running down immediately and every minute is another loss if not used wisely.
The Peril of Productivity
When I am at my best and feeling "productive"... I feel motivated, inspired, and energetic. I feel productive when I can eliminate things off of that "list" that is always there (and almost taunting me). Who is keeping score honestly? Who will know if I meant to do something today, tomorrow, or next week?
Productivity has been one of my demons to fight in balance with what my body or mind needs. I feel that if I am not productive, then I am not dependable, conscientious, or reliable. One dance that I experienced most frequently with this flawed belief is when I have been exhausted and desperately in need of a nap during my breast cancer journey. My body needs this nap to heal. My mind tells me that I shouldn't need it (or it won't make that much of a difference), that there is too much to do, and that I should be "responsible".
Challenging the Lie
Evaluating what is "productive" for me during this journey is a work in progress. My priority is to heal. To be healthy, strong, and focused on enjoying my precious life. Productivity means achieving a desired result. Therefore weighing the never-ending task list against taking the nap - I know which one serves my healing today. I am learning to ask for (and accept) help with "the list". I am also learning to let some things go that are on said list. I don't have to do it all myself, don't even have to do it all. I am being dependable, conscientious, and reliable to my healing and to myself first. I need more time for living this life to its fullest. Achieving that is my focus now.
To the extent you can relate to this, I invite you to notice how you navigate your days - are you racing? Are you struggling to prioritize your health over your to-do's? Remember, you and your healing are worth your time and energy!
I continue to 'practice' a more positive relationship with time. Being present in more of my moments, giving my body what it needs, and showing up for ME and my healing!
Hand on heart!