The Big P

"Hold up... Wait... What?" my mind whispers in the background.  A gray, dense brain "fog" covers everything like a weighted blanket to bear while I desperately search for a response to his question.  I am starting to sweat.  The pressure is expanding by the second.  I am instantly frustrated and impatient with myself.  I try to push through but it halts all thoughts and leaves me in a blank space.  I pause... taking a deep breath, giving myself a little space to process the question again.  Old beliefs of "get it right", "not enough" are creeping up and taunting me under this thick cover.   

Each time this scenario arises, I tend to feel defeated and irritated that I have not returned to "normal"... or whatever my response/decision capabilities were prior to undergoing chemotherapy.  However, what I am learning (and practicing) is to be gracious with myself in this moment.  Healing is not the place to pile on more judgment or criticism.  Healing is about listening to what I need - and if that is more time to process and respond... then that is okay and something I need to accept and allow for.

When my calendar is full or my day has a lot planned, I find that the brain fog kicks in more rapidly.  I feel a pressure to be "productive".  On these days, I will try to slow things down with meditation, put my feet in the grass, or just play a favorite song and dance around my living room for a few minutes.  It releases the pressure to get it right and get it done now.

If you also struggle with the never-ending "list"?  I invite you to find space in your days to intentionally slow down and renew your energy.  Figuring out what things help you to regenerate and restore your own energy is a beautiful way to integrate ongoing healing for your mind, your body, and your spirit. You are worth it!

As for me, the work in progress continues... I am leaning into the learning and growing that is necessary for me to honor my own ongoing healing.  This is a new way of being, I am committed, and I am worth it.  

My battle with productivity, time, and ongoing healing is shared in another blog here. 

LoveME Healing was born out of my own breast cancer journey.  When I was diagnosed in 2020, I found myself overwhelmed and feeling alone.  I created a set of resources to support the personal side of healing and now also host a private, positive community to help others navigate this ongoing journey.  Want to learn more?  Check out what we are about on the LoveME Healing Home Page.